The current opioid epidemic that threatens to cause the entire country to wake up in a puddle of its own vomit, is believed to be the fault of Big Pharma. We say “believed” because the only thing that Big Pharma does better than make and market drugs that no one needs is sue the pants off of publications that report that.
However, during a press conference recently Big Pharma revealed that they have the cure for our over medicated country in the form of a new medication. “Our new product, Getovaitall, is the only way to cure the current opioid problem in America,” they stated during the press conference.
While the science community quickly rushed to study what Getovaitall actually was, one researcher was not pleased with the announcement. Dr Mark Mewords from the School of Harnkdocks, summarised the attempt by Big Pharma to fix the situation they caused. “It’s like a guy at a pool party that fishes out a turd from the pool that he dropped in there and wanting everyone to congratulate him for it.”
Others in the community are more concerned about the actual drug. “It’s garlic,” said one chemist. Garlic powder has been used in many vitamins and compounds as it is known for aiding the bodies circulation. “No,” they continued, “Getovaitall is literally garlic. It’s a clove of garlic shaped into a pill. I’ve been using the samples in my pasta sauce.”
When we reached out to Big Pharma to ask them to prove that cloves of garlic would cure opioid addiction, they were very stern. “We don’t need to prove that it does that, we believe that it does and that should be good enough. It’s up to you to prove that it doesn’t. See you in ten years when that research is done. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy another yacht,” said their receptionist. We couldn’t get through to anyone higher than that.
This is a satirical guest post by Scott Black, family man, broadcaster, screenwriter, comedian, slightly warm body, former pro wrestler. All views and opinions are Scott’s and those of one deranged ox.
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